I was screaming from the depths of my soul, but nothing came out of my mouth. His hands roaming my bare skin, as I lay helpless and scared to death. I closed my eyes so tightly they hurt, and I prayed that when I opened them, he would be gone — and that none of it would have ever happened.

Sexual abuse is a horrifying reality, but it does not have to define who you are. If you have been abused, God wants to bring healing and wholeness, so you can experience an abundant life, instead of simply surviving from one day to the next. It is not your fault that you were sexually abused. A life of hope, healing, and freedom can be reality for you. In Isaiah 61:3, God promises "a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

God created us as sexual beings, but only within the boundaries of marriage.  Sex within marriage symbolizes and celebrates the covenant, or lifetime commitment, made between a man and a woman. Satan loves to take the pure gifts of God and distort them, hoping to cause us to question the character of God. One of Satan’s attempts to pervert God's character is demonstrated through sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is not a new thing, not even to our culture! Evidence of sexual abuse is recorded even in the biblical times. In 2 Samuel 13, it tells the story of a young woman named Tamar who was raped by her brother Amnon. Overcome with lust, Amnon plotted and schemed to get his sister into his house to overpower and rape her. Two years later Tamar's other brother, Absalom, sought revenge for his sister and murdered Amnon. One horrific sin just led to another. This story demonstrates the devastating effects that sexual abuse can bring to a person and to a family.

And here is how it all started with me:

Every night I would lie in my bed and listen to my parents scream at each other. I would hear my mom tell my dad not to even think he would be sleeping in the same bed with her that night, so my dad started sleeping with me!  I would feel him crawl into my bed with the smell of smoke on his breath and pull me into his arms. He told me that he was lucky that he had a little girl who would always love him no matter what. The shock is that I was not the only child. I have three others, and I was the “baby.”

He would rub my back and then kiss me. Not like a daddy kisses his little girl, but like a husband kisses his wife. I never said no. I was only nine and was just satisfied with his attention. I always wanted him to notice and love me, so I wasn't going to be picky about what that looked like.

Over time kissing and touching became more frequent, and my dad was sleeping in my bed more than he slept with my mom. He said that he loved me more than anyone and would never hurt me, so I pushed the uncomfortable feelings aside! What did I know anyway? I was only a child, and he was an adult, so I assumed that everything he said was right. I also knew what happened when my dad got mad, and I never wanted to make him mad. That was why he said he loved me more than he loved my mom, because I never made him angry. I knew my silence kept our family together, and everyone happy! I wanted to wake up from this nightmare! When I walked down the street, I would look over my shoulder every few steps. I jumped at the slightest touch and screamed at the softest noise that caught me off guard. Paralyzed with fear, I constantly felt someone lurking behind me, watching me. I lived hunted by abuse that ended over few years ago.

Fear and shame ruled my life at a very young age. The fear of letting the secret out was so intense that I was even fearful of someone seeing fear in me. I hated myself for what was happening to me and what I was participating in. I was certain that I was evil and dirty to the core and doomed to live the rest of my life that way. Very early in my childhood I was already in deep depression...

Then comes my mother! I was physically, mentally and emotionally violated by her.
My mom always took her anger at me. I was paralyzed with fear that if I did fall asleep something would hurt me. I did not know why I was afraid, but the fear was very real. I knew I was being punished for something, but it had been going on so long that I could not remember what it was that I've done! My mother, however, always seemed to remember such things for a very long time! I was not allowed to dream. They killed my dreams. They destroyed me from the inside out. They said it was all my fault. I grew up believing all their lies to me. I was a slave to them. They poisoned me with their painful words. I felt so broken and unworthy! I felt ashamed and guilty. I tried to escape by numbing myself with drugs. I was walking in a black hole that had no end! I began to run away from home. But the guilt from my family would always pull me back. I disparately wanted to die. I asked God to take my life, but He wouldn't.  So, I tried to take it myself, I overdosed 3 times but still God wouldn't take it! I didn't understand why at the time. But God had a totally different plan than mine. While I was thinking of how much I wanted to die, God was thinking of how much He wanted me to live!

I may have been manipulated in my past by people who did not know what love is. For me to choose love, I had to know what love really is. God's love is not only pure, but also endless. When I realized what true and pure love is, it was so much easier to trust in God who truly loves me!  It wasn't easy!

The question I used to always ask myself was, "If God is all loving and has the power to protect me, then why didn't He?"  In time He answered and said, "My love is perfect, I don't force people to love and obey me. That means I will not override anyone's free will, although unfortunately, many use their freedom of choice to do evil. I sent my Son to restore to you everything that was stolen and to deliver you from the torment of memories from your past." Jesus healed me from the pain of what Satan intended and then allowed me to tell others what He has done so that they, too, can experience the same restoration, freedom and comfort. I had to let go of what was in my hand, so God could give me what in His. I had to exchange my anger, bitterness, resentment, and heartache for His peace and healing. It is the best trade I have ever been offered. What happened to me was wrong, and forgiveness does not excuse my abuser's behavior. Forgiveness does not mean I agree with what happened. Forgiveness means releasing the task of executing justice and allowing God to fight on my behalf. Forgiveness is also about what God has already modeled for humankind by sending His only begotten Son to save us. He has asked that we forgive others just as He has forgiven us.

It was difficult. Forgiveness is not an emotion or a feeling, but rather a decision. The decision to forgive was a choice that had to be made through me. That choice was a doorway to healing. Once I made the choice to forgive, my emotions began to change!
“Although my father and mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up!” This became my favorite verse. I clung to it and it helped me through moments of loneliness and despair.  As the pain was reviled, the bitterness that I held in my heart began to disappear as well.

Home Sweet Home

I saw Jesus standing in front of me asking me what I was doing and what I was thinking! His voice was very soft and kind! He was speaking to me in my own language, in the language I would understand. What I mean by that is that God speaks to each one of us in their own special way of speaking. He was speaking to me like the best-friend that I've never had; not like a ruler or the unprotective God I had always imagined! He was speaking to me like if He did care about me! At that moment I wasn't sure if I was just hallucinating because of the drugs, I was on; or if it was reality and Jesus was really there to rescue me. Either way, that was the best thing that had ever happened to me. At that moment I was so confused, I couldn't think straight; all I wanted to do is leave that house I was in. I wanted to leave so badly! My friends said, "No, wait leave in the morning, we care about you; we don't want you to drive like this!" But I knew that if I had waited, I would forget what had happened that night! Then I got that same soft voice in my head telling me, "Run …Run, it's now or never!" I did run without knowing where I was going; I left everything behind. I left my house, my job, my clothes, my drugs and my "friends."  I escaped with my mind sitting on never returning... I went to church standing in front of His throne weeping like I never did before; I didn't say a word. I felt like the guilt was killing me slowly; and there were so many voices in my head. Then I finally, after hours of weeping I said: "Look God I'm not really sure if this was you that was speaking to me. But whatever happened made me leave, I really don't understand what's happening to me; but I'm afraid that I will return. Please God help me to never return. And I hope that it's not too late to find a home in you!"

On the same day one of the priests in my church welcomed me into his home. He welcomed me as a loving father... On April 5th, just a few days before my birthday; the journey of my healing started and the strong walls that were keeping me away from the truth also started to break down!  I may have been abused and mistreated, and all those I trusted in turned on me and broke my heart, but God has sustained me. I didn't make it because I was strong. I didn't make it because I was smart. I didn't make it because I was wise. I made it because God's amazing grace kept me and sustained me. God has more for me today than all what I went through in my past. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to hold on to the love of God. I'm a new creation in Christ. The old has passed, and the new is here. Like the bible say in 2nd Corinthian 4:18, “fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen; since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is Eternal.” And also, another verse of my favorite ones is Jeremiah 29:11: “for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and the brightest future.”

Breaking Free!

The word “surrender” may be a frightening word for you. It suggests releasing control, relinquishing something you possess. It can symbolize giving up, or it may even bring a feeling of defeat. You might be reminded of a memory in which “surrender” meant allowing someone to take control over you in perverted or demeaning way. When God asks you to surrender to Him, however, it is only so He can give you peace in return. When compared to the constant state of mental turmoil abuse brings, peace is sure to sound refreshing, but it may seem out of reach. Peace can replace your pain, but you must choose to surrender yourself to your heavenly Father, who completely understands your pain and fear.
Hebrews 4:15 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses." As mentioned before, Jesus was sent to earth to suffer one of the most horrendous deaths ever recorded in history. He had done nothing wrong, committed no crime, and knows more than anyone what it is like to be a victim. No one can understand better than Jesus what it feels like to desperately cry out to God for answers. On the cross, the Son of God cried out to His Father, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Sounds familiar? He, too, has felt abandoned and rejected, but regardless of how He felt in that moment of agony, He surrendered control. Jesus knew His heavenly father loved Him and even when all He could anticipate was pain, God the Father saw the bigger picture. Three days later Jesus was raised from the dead, conquering the scheme of the enemy, and bringing hope to all humankind. Satan comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, but God has the final say in every situation if we turn to Him! So, when God asks you to surrender the pain of your past, He understands better than anyone how difficult that may be.

You now know freedom from your past is possible, and you have been giving the principles to acquire that freedom. Whether you implement them into your life is ultimately your choice. God gives you the choice by saying, "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!"

Although He clearly expresses which choice He desires His children to make, God has left the final decision up to you. Part of choosing to let go of your past is making daily decision that keep the enemy from creeping back in, which includes taking bold steps to overcome the fear that consumed your life and learning to trust God and others. As you discover the truth about sex as God intended it to be, and grasp your true value in Christ, you will be able to stay free from bondage of sexual abuse! Once you have decided in your heart that you are willing to do whatever it takes to go on with your life, God will meet you where you are and guide you as you take steps in the right direction. He never promises that it will be easy, but He does promise that you will never go alone!

Personal Tips on how to Break Your Fear

When someone hurts you, it's natural to be hurt again. As you begin to find ways to protect yourself, you can find yourself trapped by the walls you have built around you. Fear can manifest itself in various ways, including feelings, attitudes, and even daily routines and habits. One person who has experienced sexual abuse may decide the best way to protect themselves is to "Hate" everyone around them in an attempt to keep people from getting too close.

Once you identify some of the fears in your life, the next step is to be intentional about breaking them. Start by bringing them into the light by telling you Father of confession or someone you trust what you are afraid of and how it is affecting your daily life. Sometimes just by talking about it, you can see how distorted your perception is, making it easier to change your behavior. You might also have to do some things in spite of your fear.  If you are afraid of going out in public alone, the only way to overcome it is to just go out alone; to do everything you are afraid of doing.

There is freedom from fear and the bondage of living every day with knots in your stomach or never being able to relax. God wants to bring peace to your mind so that you can enjoy your life and not dread each day. God's love is perfect, and He tells us that perfect love drives out fear. Fear is very clearly not from God, and He wants to take the fear that has consumed your life and replace it with the peace and security of knowing He will protect you and avenge all who have hurt you. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Although it may be difficult for you to step out in faith, you can be assured the arms of a loving God will support you, and the light of His Word will give you a solid place to put your feet.

Personal Tips on how to Rebuild Trust

When trust is broken, walls are built. You have probably built walls around your heart, keeping relationships at a distance by hardening your heart toward those who try to get too close. The bible talks a lot about community and the power of unity, making it a prime target for the devil to attack. When God created man in the very beginning, He said that it is not good for man to be alone, so He created Eve, a helper. The same is true today. God does not want you to live your life in isolation, but to enjoy the life He has given you with other people who can encourage you in your walk with the Lord. "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:10)
While it is true that no human being is perfect, it is just as true that not every person in this world is out to hurt you! Once you find yourself rooted in your identity in Christ, the only one who will never hurt you or abandon you; then you can enjoy the relationships God has paced around you without fear of being hurt. This doesn't mean you will never be hurt again, but it does mean that when you are secure in who you are, you will look at relationships in a completely different way. God places people in your life to love and encourage you as you daily grow in your knowledge of God and your identity in Him. 

Everyone goes through hard times and experiences wounds if different magnitudes, but we are to encourage each other through these times. Once you have reached a place in your life that you feel you have experienced healing and freedom from your past, God may bring someone into your life who has been through the same pain and who desires the freedom they see in you.

Know your value

Do you really know who you are? If you were truly able to grasp your identity in Christ, your entire life would change overnight. The following illustration has been depicted in many Hollywood movies over the years: You see a slave girl, doing chores and serving a master who has told her that slavery and oppression are her only purpose for existence. She is dressed in rags and hangs her head in shame as she reluctantly accepts that she was born to be a servant to everyone she meets. Then one day, everything changes. A handsome prince rides up on a white stallion and delivers the life altering news... This slave girl is the long-lost heiress to the throne and the daughter of a king! The servant who was used and abused all her life is a princess! She stands in shock as she hears the news, and immediately, the master who has "owned" her for all these years laughs mockingly, daring her to believe in the charming prince. She glances back at the life she has been living; a filthy mattress on the floor, torn clothes, and an empty stomach, then she looks ahead to see her charming prince waiting to take her to the royal place. She hesitates no longer, and overnight, everything about this poor servant girl changes! She is giving a soft bed on which to lay her head, a whole new wardrobe, and plenty to eat. Understanding her value and worth changes the way she walks, talks, and even how she treats others. She is now in a place to accept her position with a humble heart and use her newly acquired wealth to extend grace to all she meets.

You, too, are the child of the King. The transformation may not be about where you sleep or the clothes you wear. Inside your heart, you become a whole new person when you accept the truth that you are a child of God. A child of the One who created the universe. You can rest securely in the fact that God is your protector. Know each day that He will provide what you need and be assured that He will daily clothe you with His love and goodness. There will be some who will mock you, trying to make you doubt who you are, but you have to make the choice to believe what God says above anything else might be telling you. He had come to rescue you from your old life of shame and restore to you all that was lost!      

BY: ANONYMOUS, BUT NEVER ALONE